So, I don't know why I feel like writing this right now, but I do. Some of you know a lot about my life, some of you know practically nothing. Regardless, you'll know a little more about me after reading this, if you so choose.

Music has been a huge part of my life for the better part of 17 years... I started playing piano under my mother's direction at age 4, and life has kinda gone along those lines since. Piano, drums and percussion, bass, guitar, singing... all of these have pretty much been my life's focus, basis, and dreams for as long as I can really remember. I wanted to be a firefighter once, I think... I've wanted to work with computers, to operate a comic book and card shop, to own a multi-story, multi-cultural restaurant, to play 3rd base for the Boston Red Sox, to get married and have a family, all sorts of different things. The one constant, though, especially once I hit junior high, was to play and perform music at a professional level for the rest of my life. I could see myself as a professional concert pianist for the longest time; after that, playing either bass or guitar in a band, touring the world, and loving my career and life.

Unfortunately, my ambition to dabble in all sorts of areas in life, all at the same time (most notably, percussion, piano, and basketball), led me to develop a serious case of tendonitis when I was in junior high. According to studies, persons in those three fields usually see arm complications of some kind throughout their lives/careers, either in the form of tendonitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, or other similar issues. Doing them all at the same time apparently compounded the issues exponentially, leading me to years upon years of suffering and pain that no one, not even my parents, knew about. Had I told someone at the first sign, maybe I would've been ok, maybe not, who knows... but I didn't. I can still remember the 9th grade jazz show where I felt something funny in my right wrist, but chose to ignore it and kept playing.

I pretty much gave up basketball in high school, but by then it was too late... percussion and piano daily was more than enough to make things absolutely terrible for me. I finally broke down and told someone, but there wasn't much they could do except give me ibuprofin and tell me to "take it easy". Right. By this point, my career path was set upon doing music education in the percussion field... I was totally stoked about this, and my success in percussion in high school really led me to believe this was for me.

College started. The arm was getting worse, but I was sticking with it. Drumline was a blast, percussion lessons and music classes were tough, but I was holding in there. I loved concert band/wind symphony. College life in general was just a blast, and I was just soaking it up.

Then came my last concert, April 9, 2006. Playing the chimes (imagine giant steel pipes that you hit with a hammer... same thing). Here comes my cue, end of the song, loud, and I had to cut through it all. With all that noise beneath me, I let rip on the Bb, expecting to hear it ring out throughout the lovely concert hall here at my university.

Well, ring it did, but over all the noise on stage, I heard a *pop* come from my wrist, and felt the most extreme pain I had felt to date shoot through my arm. I knew something was terribly wrong, but for the sake of music, I knew I had to keep going. Every stroke was a struggle, with my arm twitching violently and every hit sending pain down through my whole body. I packed up like nothing was wrong, went back to my room, and literally collapsed. It turns out that I had torn a tendon in my wrist... from performing at a band concert. Weird, huh?

Surgery that summer... went fine. Once the cast was off, things were sore for a while, but I eased back into things (not music, mind you), and it seemed to be going really well. I knew that as long as I took it easy, I could probably live a full, complete, and happy life.

Then recently... about Feb, right around my birthday. I'd been in a band for a few months, playing guitar, having a great time, and suddenly my arm started acting up. Now, this is Feb. 2008. Almost 2 years after the fact. I'd had the occasional twinge (I can tell you when it's going to rain), and I still do live in constant pain, but it's tolerable, and not something I worried about. This was worse, though. This felt like it had back before the torn tendon, before surgery. I got worried, and started closing off myself to the world again.

I got hit with a big blessing and a huge curse in the same weekend. It was our first series of shows in months, and we're out enjoying things. The last show we played, I remember something giving in my arm, but I wasn't sure what. I knew, right then, that I was back on the road to suffering. However, I put on a great smile, pretended that nothing was wrong (again), and lo and behold, I met someone who has now become my fiance, Annisa Graham... so I'm glad for that.

Then about 2 weeks ago... I don't really know what happened, but I managed to stress 4 tendons around my thumb to the point that any stressful action will, literally, snap them like 5 year old rubber bands. No guitar. No piano. No anything musical, at all. I still have some outlets that I can explore (photography, disc golf which thankfully doesn't hurt, writing), but I know that one false step and I'm going to be in another world of hurt.

Basically, it's come to the fact that I can no longer live my dreams, and I know this. A lot of people probably wonder why I've seem darker as of late... I'm not moody, I'm not angry, I'm not emo, nothing like that... but I remember always being a happy, funny (or at least funny-looking... I guess I still have that going for me), outgoing person, and I have noticed a definite drop in that lately.

It's come to the fact that I can barely even *listen* to music, on the radio or my computer, without getting upset. That's the really frustrating part... I used to be the guy that would sit and listen to a whole CD, for no reason other than I felt like it. I have Radiohead's "In Rainbows" playing in the background right now, but if I actually decided to pay attention to it, I would literally just get sad. It's a pretty crappy feeling, and I really don't know what to do about it.

So, I really don't know what I want to do about this. Play guitar anyway and just let the tendons snap, get them repaired, and be happy? Sit around, protect my health and insurance, and hope that they heal? Take a chainsaw to my arm, then get one of those amputee claws and attach it? (Ok, that's a little extreme...)

I really have no clue why I just wrote this, much less am posting it up for all to see. Maybe it'll give some of you an insight into my life, for better or for worse. Maybe someone has a suggestion that I haven't thought of yet.

I guess most importantly, though... thank you to everyone who has been there for me, whether you know/knew what I have been going through or not. Sometimes just getting my mind off of it for 5 minutes can be the biggest blessing in the world, and I thank you for that.

A special thanks goes out to all the members, mods, and visitors of #Thumbsshare. You guys probably have no clue about what's going on with me at all, but you've been one of the huge outlets for me, people that I can come and talk to, even though I don't know you, and not only have you appreciate one of the few things that I can actually still do, but converse with me as well... thanks again, guys.

-Nic

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My featured deviant right now is *Goodfoot42. I discovered this deviant the other day from one of my forum posts, and he really managed to capture my attention with his brilliant colors and fantastic detail. Check out his gallery for a real treat.